Life happens whether you are ready for it or not...

Last week my grandmother got sick.  A little history...

Next to my girls, she's the most important person in my life.  She has been there for me since I was a newborn and through all the changes, struggles and hard times of my childhood. She was there for me through the A-hole times of my teen years.  And she was there for me as I had Haylee & learned parenting for the first time.  She's the strongest woman I know.  She fled France and a bad childhood when she was 19 or 21...I cannot remember.  She came on a ship with no money and no English.  She had many interesting jobs in her youth and first few years in America, including being a cook for Marilyn Monroe for a short time. She got a job for Lockheed and retired from there owning her 2nd home.  When she was a little girl in France she had to have her kneecap removed and her right leg was fused together, never to bend again.  And it never held her back.  Once she retired, she bought a full size truck and went into the Antique business, doing a lot of the moving and restoration herself and often working 5-6 days a week.  She went to the gym a minimum for 3 times a week, often 5 days a week. She lifted weights and swam and loved it.  It took her days to finish a beer, that she'd leave in the fridge, open with a straw placed inside!  She is the staple of strength, positive attitude, never giving up, loving and supportive.  She supported me my *whole* life yet had the magic to never enable me.  She had more wisdom than anyone I've ever known.  And an unconditional patience and love for me which saved me and allowed me to be the person I am today. I could go on and on and on about how she was & how much my heart loves her!

81/2 years ago she had a stroke. I will spare you the details that I still have a hard time talking about and the SEVERE HORRIBLE betrayal of two friends that would FOREVER change her life!  The stroke took the use of her right arm and her speech. She never got her speech back.  It robbed her of normal easy ways of communication, leaving her helpless and unable to ever live alone again. Shock...the woman that is the strongest person I've ever know, the most independent...now reduced to living with her son.  At the time he lived in Bishop.  Less than a year later, he moved to Northern Idaho...I live in Southern California.  It was the first time in my whole live I had ever been away from her...and it was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.  Her life was forever altered...and so was mine.  My person...my security blanket and the person I loved the most....was too far away to see more than once a year!

Fast forward to present...

She got pneumonia and was in the hospital for a few days. I had a bad feeling and I'm not a gut feeling kind of person.  She got well enough to come home but was very weak.  She started to seem as if she was doing better.  Then started to get weak again.  I knew it...I knew this was the start of her decline. I could not get the feeling out of my gut!  Then my dad made a hard call...grandma had thrown up and had an accident all over herself and needed to go in a home.  This was Thursday...and I broke down...literally!  He told me it was just temporary until they could get her stronger to the point that she could walk, feed herself and hold her bowels.  My gut feeling just kept getting worse.  I did okay Friday...put it out of my mind and made myself think of happy positive things.  I planned a trip up there to see her the following week...which is what I think helped me.   Friday night came and I had a girls night planned that I almost canceled.  I went and drank too much. The kind of drinking that you do to cope, to avoid and to not feel.  After my girls night I came home & more friends were at my house.  I drank more and more and more.  It worked...I didn't think...I didn't break. I don't remember it all, but I didn't think of bad things.

Then at 6am I got the call...the call that would change everything... she was gone.  Passed away in her sleep at 1:17am...I was still awake and WASTED while she passed away.  I always told my dad a nursing home would kill her!  She lasted 1 day!  I broke down...responded like the crazy people on TV who screen, moan and yell NO NO NO and fall to the ground.  I ran to my friends apartment across the street that was empty and spent the day on her couch!

Now...I am everyone and nowhere...all at once! I have my moments of numbness, I have my moments of positive thought.  I have my moments of clarity and inspiration...all coming from her.  And then constantly in between all of the other thoughts...the constant verge of diving deep into the grief, sorrow and despair.   When I think of this in terms of her...I'm okay. It is what she would want...I know that 1 million %.  She never wanted to live pass 80 (she passed away at 85) and she never ever ever wanted to live dependent on someone to feed and change her....NEVER.  She never wanted to live long enough to need a nursing home. So...when I can think of it in those terms for her...I'm okay.  Still in pain, but I can cope & deal.  When I think of it in terms of me...I cannot...so I try not to.  Every time my mind goes there...I stuff it down. I know allowing yourself to grieve is healthy...but I'm not ready.  If I do it now, I feel it will be a permanent part of me.  It will break me and crush me and I don't know if I'll come back whole!

Again..I could go on and on.  When it comes to her..I have a very hard time finding the right way to express what she really meant to me and how earth shattering her passing is to me.  My heart is on a constant teeter always waiting to free fall.  And I'm constantly constantly trying to keep it up.  This post isn't helping...so I'm going to end it here and go read.  I'm trying to fill these moments of despair with something other than curling up and giving into them. She really wouldn't want me to do that and would kick my ass if I did.  That keeps me somewhat balanced. And when I'm weak...I simply put it out of my mind entirely. I can only do it for short times, but so far it's keeping me balanced.

If you read this...thank you.  My heart and soul is in this post like nothing I've ever shared publicly.  I'll end this post with a few pictures of her.

This one below is the most recent picture I took on our trip up last year 8/2011.  This isn't how I remember her now though in my heart and mind...



This is how I remember her.  Old photo and a bad scan.  But this is my grandma!  Stylish, chick, happy & beautiful...inside & out!  This is WHO she is, always been and always will be...to me in my heart.  Age took so much from her, and in the end...her life.  But it cannot take away my memories of her and my vision that represents WHO she is/was!



This is the first time I've really talked about it publicly and I'm at my limit.  Thank for you reading and sharing her journey, our journey together and the very sad ending!  I will still be posting my life stuff here but only when I can.  I truly hope you are all well and healthy.  Tell your loved ones you love them...TODAY...just in case!  I didn't get a final "I love you and thank you for being the most wonderful person in my life" and I wish I had.  I know she knew...but I still wish I could have said it to her before!  Even if it's just a text to tell someone you care...do it.  You'll NEVER regret doing it..but you could regret not doing...for the rest of your life!