Yesterday I was sad so...

I decided rather than scumming to it, I'd try to be inspired. It worked a little.  Here is Nugget just hanging out after school eating some fruit...and Lily begging for her to drop some...

Life happens whether you are ready for it or not...

Last week my grandmother got sick.  A little history...

Next to my girls, she's the most important person in my life.  She has been there for me since I was a newborn and through all the changes, struggles and hard times of my childhood. She was there for me through the A-hole times of my teen years.  And she was there for me as I had Haylee & learned parenting for the first time.  She's the strongest woman I know.  She fled France and a bad childhood when she was 19 or 21...I cannot remember.  She came on a ship with no money and no English.  She had many interesting jobs in her youth and first few years in America, including being a cook for Marilyn Monroe for a short time. She got a job for Lockheed and retired from there owning her 2nd home.  When she was a little girl in France she had to have her kneecap removed and her right leg was fused together, never to bend again.  And it never held her back.  Once she retired, she bought a full size truck and went into the Antique business, doing a lot of the moving and restoration herself and often working 5-6 days a week.  She went to the gym a minimum for 3 times a week, often 5 days a week. She lifted weights and swam and loved it.  It took her days to finish a beer, that she'd leave in the fridge, open with a straw placed inside!  She is the staple of strength, positive attitude, never giving up, loving and supportive.  She supported me my *whole* life yet had the magic to never enable me.  She had more wisdom than anyone I've ever known.  And an unconditional patience and love for me which saved me and allowed me to be the person I am today. I could go on and on and on about how she was & how much my heart loves her!

81/2 years ago she had a stroke. I will spare you the details that I still have a hard time talking about and the SEVERE HORRIBLE betrayal of two friends that would FOREVER change her life!  The stroke took the use of her right arm and her speech. She never got her speech back.  It robbed her of normal easy ways of communication, leaving her helpless and unable to ever live alone again. Shock...the woman that is the strongest person I've ever know, the most independent...now reduced to living with her son.  At the time he lived in Bishop.  Less than a year later, he moved to Northern Idaho...I live in Southern California.  It was the first time in my whole live I had ever been away from her...and it was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.  Her life was forever altered...and so was mine.  My person...my security blanket and the person I loved the most....was too far away to see more than once a year!

Fast forward to present...

She got pneumonia and was in the hospital for a few days. I had a bad feeling and I'm not a gut feeling kind of person.  She got well enough to come home but was very weak.  She started to seem as if she was doing better.  Then started to get weak again.  I knew it...I knew this was the start of her decline. I could not get the feeling out of my gut!  Then my dad made a hard call...grandma had thrown up and had an accident all over herself and needed to go in a home.  This was Thursday...and I broke down...literally!  He told me it was just temporary until they could get her stronger to the point that she could walk, feed herself and hold her bowels.  My gut feeling just kept getting worse.  I did okay Friday...put it out of my mind and made myself think of happy positive things.  I planned a trip up there to see her the following week...which is what I think helped me.   Friday night came and I had a girls night planned that I almost canceled.  I went and drank too much. The kind of drinking that you do to cope, to avoid and to not feel.  After my girls night I came home & more friends were at my house.  I drank more and more and more.  It worked...I didn't think...I didn't break. I don't remember it all, but I didn't think of bad things.

Then at 6am I got the call...the call that would change everything... she was gone.  Passed away in her sleep at 1:17am...I was still awake and WASTED while she passed away.  I always told my dad a nursing home would kill her!  She lasted 1 day!  I broke down...responded like the crazy people on TV who screen, moan and yell NO NO NO and fall to the ground.  I ran to my friends apartment across the street that was empty and spent the day on her couch!

Now...I am everyone and nowhere...all at once! I have my moments of numbness, I have my moments of positive thought.  I have my moments of clarity and inspiration...all coming from her.  And then constantly in between all of the other thoughts...the constant verge of diving deep into the grief, sorrow and despair.   When I think of this in terms of her...I'm okay. It is what she would want...I know that 1 million %.  She never wanted to live pass 80 (she passed away at 85) and she never ever ever wanted to live dependent on someone to feed and change her....NEVER.  She never wanted to live long enough to need a nursing home. So...when I can think of it in those terms for her...I'm okay.  Still in pain, but I can cope & deal.  When I think of it in terms of me...I cannot...so I try not to.  Every time my mind goes there...I stuff it down. I know allowing yourself to grieve is healthy...but I'm not ready.  If I do it now, I feel it will be a permanent part of me.  It will break me and crush me and I don't know if I'll come back whole!

Again..I could go on and on.  When it comes to her..I have a very hard time finding the right way to express what she really meant to me and how earth shattering her passing is to me.  My heart is on a constant teeter always waiting to free fall.  And I'm constantly constantly trying to keep it up.  This post isn't helping...so I'm going to end it here and go read.  I'm trying to fill these moments of despair with something other than curling up and giving into them. She really wouldn't want me to do that and would kick my ass if I did.  That keeps me somewhat balanced. And when I'm weak...I simply put it out of my mind entirely. I can only do it for short times, but so far it's keeping me balanced.

If you read this...thank you.  My heart and soul is in this post like nothing I've ever shared publicly.  I'll end this post with a few pictures of her.

This one below is the most recent picture I took on our trip up last year 8/2011.  This isn't how I remember her now though in my heart and mind...



This is how I remember her.  Old photo and a bad scan.  But this is my grandma!  Stylish, chick, happy & beautiful...inside & out!  This is WHO she is, always been and always will be...to me in my heart.  Age took so much from her, and in the end...her life.  But it cannot take away my memories of her and my vision that represents WHO she is/was!



This is the first time I've really talked about it publicly and I'm at my limit.  Thank for you reading and sharing her journey, our journey together and the very sad ending!  I will still be posting my life stuff here but only when I can.  I truly hope you are all well and healthy.  Tell your loved ones you love them...TODAY...just in case!  I didn't get a final "I love you and thank you for being the most wonderful person in my life" and I wish I had.  I know she knew...but I still wish I could have said it to her before!  Even if it's just a text to tell someone you care...do it.  You'll NEVER regret doing it..but you could regret not doing...for the rest of your life!

365...365...FINAL picture...

YAY!  I wasn't sure what to shoot on my final 365 day.  I wanted to do something more inspiring.  Something that took more time and thought.  Something that ended my 365 with a bang!  But I...well...couldn't think of much. I'm the worlds laziest photographer!  So I grabbed our wedding rings and my marco lens and figured I'd end my 365 with a picture about LOVE....



Thanks for all the support during my 365!  It meant so much to me.  Have a happy Thursday!

365...356-364

So I am officially DONE and very happy about it.  It's been very nice and freeing not having to take a picture everyday! So here are my final 365 shots. I'll still be posting family pictures and my random pictures I take!

You've all already seen these two pictures.  Haylee doing her pottery and Avyree doing her zombie brain...

(edited with ZiggyLicious Low Fat & My Four Hens "Matty" at 50%)...



My favorite salad on the planet.  Coco's Asian Chicken Salad...YUM YUM...

(edited with ZiggyLicious Low Fat & M4H "Matty" at 50%)...



Took the girls to the park to play & hoping to find something inspiring to shoot but I found nothing.  So I snapped these...blah..lol...



Hair cut time!  Top are before shots and bottom are after shots.  Haylee LOVES her short hair and style...



After my morning jog I looked from my porch and saw the moon so big and yellow.  So I ran in and got my camera to take a few quick snaps.  Glad I did because 10 minutes later it was lower & not as yellow since the sun was rising.  Please excuse the crappy zoomed in shot on the right.  It's the same shot, just zoomed in in PS.  My longest focal length is only 135 on a full frame.  So I couldn't get any closer but wanted to try to show the size of the moon vs the mountains...which is why I added the zoomed in shot...



Again...lack of inspiration.  I was pretty done with my 365 at this point...lol.  So I shot this at like 10pm on my desk under my light in my kitchen.  The colors were horrid so I converted it and left the noise that came from shooting on H! Lol!  I LOVE my new wallet that I got for Christmas though.  Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE Fox stuff...



We read Avyree a story every school night.  But since Eric's car accident (he was hit and hit HARD on Halloween) he cannot sit on her bed or on the floor next to her bed to read to her. So she joined him & Lily on the couch so her could read to her...



I LOVE this perfume. I'm not a perfume girl.  I normally wear body spray because it's softer and more subtle. But a friend of mine had a couple of VS perfumes and I liked them.  So Eric got me this for Christmas and I love it!  I think I'm hooked on VS perfumes now...



Another one of my favorite salads. I LOVE salad. This one is from VONS and just a prepackaged salad with everything included.  It's BBQ Ranch Southwest salad...




Once again I was going to post my final 365 shot but for some reason Blogger won't let me.  The code is there, but it's stopping at this photo.  So I'll do a post next with my final shot!  Thanks for looking!

Fun with pottery...

And now for Haylee's pottery pictures!  She really enjoyed making her goodies and some for others.  It was much easier than we thought it would be!  All edited with M4H Matty from her Fancy Free set at about 50% opacity and the lighten layer adjusted or masked...

Getting ready...



Making her cup...



It's messy work.  You can see Avyree trying to crawl over the gate because we locked her out...ha...



Detail shots...



My beautiful big girl...



With clay on her face...



Now onto the flower cup she made for her BFF...



With a little left over clay she made a heart...



And here they are waiting to dry and be painted.  Left to right... flower cup for Katie, pinch pot for Nugget, Haylee's cup & heart...




Thanks for looking.  I think that's about it for the rest of the week!  I'll be waiting until next week to post my final 365 post so I have them all in one post.  I'm done on Saturday!  :)

Happy Monday and have a great day!  :)

Zombie Brain..it's what's for dinner...

Avyree saw Zombie Brain on TV and wanted it BAD.  So my grandma got it for her for Christmas.  We had a good time creating all sorts of gross stuff for her to eat and she LOVED it.  Beware...it's really gross...but the kid is cute...so it evens out!

**all edits done with M4H Matty from her Fancy Free set at about 50% opacity with the lighten layer adjusted or masked!  The BW is also Matty at about 50% opacity and my own hazy filmy BW over it!  I recently got Fancy Free, Glimmer, Vintage Crush & Happy Dippy Trippy and I am in.love.with.them.ALL!*

Now onto the gross...ness...




The worm eyebrow & spider eyeball molds didn't work so great with them ON the zombie.  But the mess is half the fun.  In the cup is the zombie barf...YUM...



She was a little freaked out about eating/drinking the zombie barf at first because it's looks pretty darn real and really freaking gross...



But she's a trooper and tried it while big sis talked on her fake little pink princess phone to who the heck knows who...



Oh wait...I think she's starting to like it...



Yup...she dug it and at it up...blech...



Eat and play...that's what I always do with my snotty zombie barf...



Now it's time to eat some zombie brain...yum yum...



Come to find out...zombie brains are tangy...



But it appears that she likes zombie brain too...



Now for the final disgusting thing to eat...zombie skin!  You know you want some...



While waiting for the zombie skin to be ready, she made good work on the zombie brain!  Poor zombie...



Make moma proud baby..eat up that zombie skin...



I said eat it not play with it.  Didn't I teach you not to play with your zombie skin before you eat it...



But she didn't listen...she played and ate and loved every minute of it!  It was so fun watching her taste everything and get over her fear of it would really be yucky or not. A blast and happy to report...the sugar content is REALLY low and that made me happy.  Mostly jello & gummy like stuff.  Though the barf did really gross me out all the way around...lol!

Thanks for looking...next post (hopefully tomorrow) is Haylee doing her pottery on her pottery wheel she got for Christmas the year before...oops!

Build-A-Bear...

The girls had gift certificates and cash.  So we headed to the mall for some fun guilt free shopping. Our first stop was Build a bear. I only took a few but figured I'd share them so they don't go to waste...

The girls doing the dance before putting the hearts in the bears then cleaning them after...



Avyree got the sprinkle bear and Haylee got the peace bear.  They each bought an outfit for their bears but I didn't take any more pictures...



And that's it for today.  Next post will be Haylee using her Christmas present from the year before...a potter wheel and Avyree using her Zombie Brain that she got this year.

Happy New Year to all my friends & family.  Hope yours was as wonderful as ours!

New Years weekend camping...

We headed out the desert for some camping riding fun.  I didn't shoot much but snapped a few...

Avyree LOVES the dirt.  The kid can play in the dirt all day long and have the.best.time...as you can see.  She loves making dirt angels (us Cali people have to be creative since we don't get much snow).  And she will do them face up...or face down.  Gotta love Nugget...



Getting ready to ride...



Haylee was annoyed that I was trying to take pictures of her.  I told her that I'll keep bugging her until she gives me a nice smile...and I got it!  She loves Taki's and eats them like crazy.  She always gets Taki fingers, hence the bottom shot...



Eric on my bike riding around camp...



Avyree cruising her Quad.  I love the big picture in this collage.  I had taken the bottom right shot, then she realized I was taking her picture so the bigger picture is her posing...



This one kills me. I love her teeny tiny tushy and love how it's all clenched while riding! Teehee...



Haylee rippin around on her Quad...



This is our friends daughter Kalea...


Haylee riding around with Avyree.  They are too cute all geared up and rompin in the dirt...



Haylee getting in her groove...



I took this for a 365 shot. I'm not a huge desert fan unless we are camping.  But boy do you get great sunset shots in the desert. I love how you can see the flags from bikes, Quads and campers and the fire off in the distance...




And that's it for camping.  One more very small post today and I'm done for the day.  Thanks for looking...